Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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