I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
