She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
