She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
