I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
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Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
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She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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