I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Randomize
