I think I am morally bankrupt
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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