So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
