There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
