I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
