I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
