So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
