tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
