Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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