Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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