Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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