i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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