in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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