so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
