So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
