I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
