Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
