my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
