my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
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