enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
