New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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