Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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