he wants to bone in the snuggie
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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