piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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