dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
