I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
