If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
