stop calling my apartment porn island.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
