you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
They have beer where we have blood.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
