If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
