you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
