dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
