I hate all girls vehemently.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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