i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
