i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.