grandma shit on top of the toilet
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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