Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
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GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
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This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?