I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
