I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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