i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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