The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
