I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
