I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
