well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
