I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
