I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize