is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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