Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He shit in the fireplace
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
