I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
