oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
