The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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