So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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