someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
