Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Can I color on your dick again?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
