Her vagina should come with caution tape.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
