Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i've created a new STD.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
