I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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