tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
