can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
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