I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The best revenge is premature balding
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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