Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
